Tell me honestly i like i excellent critique, these are some of my favorite poems that i haven’t looked at in awhile.
Jumping the Border
Headache and heartache:
Curl up in the huge green chair or
Escape to the barn, but
Don’t get locked in the chicken coop.
Shattering blue and white bowl
Nipping at my ankles as I run.
Sheep jumping the border.
Dead fish, the ice storm of ‘98
A bale of hay and a falling ladder.
Carelessness, my stepfather
Joyful and Spirit filled:
Two new homes and
Vibrant kids,
Excited to hear and delight in.
Me, no, I’m not amusing,
Why have I been the clown,
Four times?
Painting refuges,
Working in soup kitchens,
Doing puppetry, it’s
What I like, not what I was taught
Look what a hard childhood has brought
The Final Bomb Explodes
She’s so young
What‘s going on?
Why is she making these
Perilous decisions?
Does she not see
Our like?
The bombs of Drugs
And violence explode.
We’re running to her
For she is too frightened
To change her own mind.
BANG!
Another bomb
From the blood
Trickling into the sink.
Fire licks at her
And surrounds her
With the shame.
We shout,
But she doesn’t answer.
CRASH!
The door rattles
On the floor
Next to our daughter’s
Limp body.
With the added weight
I race to the car,
The hospital,
The funeral.
ok sorry about this, but i use different types of spacing in my poems, after reading three comments i realized i confused you guys. There are actualy only two poems here. The first is Jumping the Border & the second is The Final Bomb. Sorry my stanzas confused peopl i should have underlined or quoted the titles.
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They are fantastic. I should know. I have them pinned to my wall and have for about two months now… ♥♥♥♥♥
the second poem sounds like a rap song in a excellent way
Jumping the Border-
I wasn’t too intrested in this one per say. It started out well and then towards the middle I thought it got a bit confusing. The end was a excellent wrap up though.
Joyful and Spirit filled-
I really like this one. It was nice and I thought easily understood. I reckon you did this one really well.
The Final Bomb Explodes-
I also liked this one. The only line that I thought didnt fit well but was also a small required was ‘We’re running to her’. If you agree with me, maybe it would be better to hold the same meaning but make it flow. I felt like that line should hold some dramatic word instead of just running since it seems like thats an vital moment in the poem. Like what would happen if you didnt run toward her. Just a thought.
Bang-
This one was an okay poem, though not one of the best ones you did. I reckon you did the poem well though.
Crash-
I loved how this poem finished, it made it quick to seem like it was so vital/tragic but the beginning I thought wasnt as strong. It was suttle, if thats what you were aiming for to have it suttle and then have a tragic burst at the end, it was also very excellent.
**Also I reckon the titles of your poems are very creative. Nice work.
**
i like the final bomb explodes the best
but theyre all fantastic
you lost me on the first one thou, but i like "headache and heartache" from the first one